Out of sorts

Daily gain 4lbs
Current Weight 152.8

Last night I cheated big.  We went to a party for our neighbor's son who turned 1, and I was prepared.  I had eaten my 1/2 chicken salad and brought the other half with me, and I was ready to not eat or drink anything at the party.  But they had make your own fajitas, so I figured, what the heck, Ill have a little chicken.  And that turned into more chicken, then some steak, then some cheese to go on top with sour cream and salsa.  And dont forget more chicken and cheese and sour cream...and then how about a big slice of birthday cake.  And some beans, and more beans, and chips.  Holy crap, it was a downward slope. 

I think the issue actually started earlier that morning at my oldest's mothers' tea at school..  It was so sweet, they made us bath salts, and grew us each a plant, and gave us some tea and candies, and sang songs.  It was wonderful.  And then he lead me to the treat platter, and they had HUGE chocolate square cookies (i say squares because thats how big the chips were).  And I decided to have one...it was SO good.  But then I thought about it, and changed my mind.  What was I doing?  I just made it to 40lbs lost.  Why was I messing that up?  I knew a cheat would mess me up.  WTF?  So I did what I never in my life have done or thought to do-I went into the bathroom and made myself throw it all up.  I am so horrified that I did that.  I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face just thinking about it.  Here I am, all high and mighty, doing 4 day wins, and talking big about getting my psyche on track to lead this thin lifestyle, and then I do that, at my son's catholic school.  I was and am so ashamed. 

And that, combined with my unrealized stress about my husband's procedure, led me to last night.  I think the 4 lbs was more than just food, it was the weight of the world on my shoulders.   And 4 lbs! thats more than I gained in one day during loading, when I was trying to eat a ton.

Today was horrible.  Hubby wasn't able to pick up our littlest, so he stayed in the bedroom most of the day while I played with the kids, trying to keep them occupied and happy, and failing miserably.  I was at my wits end for most of the day.  The only thing I was looking forward to was my date night tonight, and then my husband told me he told the babysitter we didnt need her, since he didnt think I would want to go out.  Again, I say WTF?  I wouldnt want to go out and get away from the stress of the day, and talk about my fears and my most recent failures, and feel like a human being again?  I wouldnt want to get away from the realization that we can't have any more kids, especially the little girl I have always dreamed of having, despite my knowing I dont think I could handle another one. 

He went to a party with us last night, so obviously being out wasnt the issue...and tonight, he cant take his wife to a movie the day before mother's day?  And to top it off, today, due to the huge gain, I decided to do an apple day, and three apples in, succumbed to the chicken I brought home from the party last night (for hubby and the kids, not me).  I wonder if a chicken soaked in oil apple day will merit any loss?  Maybe just the loss of my sanity. 

Im really messed up tonight...I need comfort and am trying not to turn to food for it.  And I dont want to ask for help, dont know how anyone can help, though I need it.  Im sad and regretful and hoarse from yelling at the kids (great mother I am, huh?), and though I know things will look better tomorrow or a week from now, its hard to see my way out of it right now.  I think Im just going to go to bed.

Can't I just be skinny and sane without having to go through all this bullshit?