R2P2 Loading Tomorrow!

Current and LIW 159.4
Food Tracker
Exercise: 2hrs walking 18min/ml pace

Only 1230 calories yesterday, but no loss today.  Maybe too much sodium?  Maybe too much walking?

Last night I was upset when I got home from work.  Not because of anything that happened at work, it was a usual day.  Hubby was off yesterday, and I encouraged him to go play golf or do something fun and relaxing, and when I got home I realized he spent the whole day doing things around the house...and you think, great, thats awesome, Im so glad...but for some reason, I got pissed off.  Because he didn't do the things that I wanted him to do.  Things that I am assigned in my own head to do.  So I wouldnt have to do them.  Things like cutting up the vegetables or even putting them in the frig.  Filing all those papers that have taken residence on the chair in front of the computer.  Vaccuming the floor.  Silly things.  Instead, he mowed the lawn, which I didn't think needed mowing.  And he put away the laundry.  Oh, the horror!

And then he said he wasn't going to Budokon..which he goes to every Wednesday, for which he makes me pick up our littlest from school so he can go straight to the gym after work.  How dare he upset the schedule like that?  I know, I was being SO ridiculous. 

So then I thought, cool, maybe we could go out for a family meal since we are all at home at the same time, and I'm leaving Friday night and won't be around for the weekend.  But he brushed off my suggestion.  And then I thought, ok, maybe the whole family could walk over to the littlest's daycare and pick him up.  But hubby was in single focus mode, and wanted nothing to do with it.  So then I thought, ok, maybe Ill take my biggest for a walk in the single jogging stroller, since I have been loving our time together like that lately...and he blew me off too.  And then I wanted to eat, lots of junk, really fast. 

So I left.  I went for a walk by myself.  And I walked, and kept walking, and then decided, it was so beautiful out, and everything looked so pretty, to keep walking.  And I thought out how I was being selfish, and my husband is amazing and helpful, and deserves to live his life the way he likes.  And that I can't control everything, no matter how much I want to.  And then I started taking pictures...which once I figure out how to post my iphone photos on my blog, I will post....and that was fun.  I thought about publishing a book of pictures from town that I take when I am on my walks...I like to dream like that.  And I didnt want to eat for the sake of eating anymore.  And I felt calm again.

By the time I got home, two hours had passed, and I was ready for craving familial interaction.  But biggest was in my room watching TV, littlest just went to bed, and hubby was washing dishes and watching hockey on TV (which I dont like to watch).   So much for interaction.  So outside I went to stretch and lay on the hammock.  And after a few minutes, I came inside, watched a little tv myself, and proceeded to fall asleep before 9pm.  I guess I needed that...though for some reason, I am still tired after sleeping 10 hours!

I feel better today.  Funny, though, that while typing this, I got all worked up again.  But unlike yesterday, when it made me want to eat, it makes me want to cry right now...sorry for the getting the computer all wet. 
Maybe Im ovulating...either way, I need to apologize to my hubby.  And to myself, for all of these years of abuse with food and negative thinking, for making myself think that I need to control others so I can feel in control, for not loving myself with words, thoughts, and action every day. 

Kelly, its ok to feel out of control, to feel positive and negative emotions without having to turn to food or run away.  Its ok, you deserve to feel and look good, you deserve to have a husband who loves and supports you, kids that adore and drive you crazy :), you are good enough.  They will love you no matter what crazy you throw at them...and they will do it in their own way.  I love you, the wild child and the dictator love you, and we are proud of you and your accomplishments. 

Sorry for that emotional crap...I just needed to get it out.  Definitely feeling weapy today.  Tomorrow starts R2 of this HCG experiment.  I'm nervous and excited.  I am going to mix my batch today, then freeze two syringes for my girls weekend.  I'm ready to pig out.  French fries, chocolate shakes, the works...despite the fact that I really don't want to gain anything from loading because that will make getting to 130 this round difficult!  And then back to 500 calories a day on Sunday.  And a new four day win.

Four Day Win #2 Update: Day 4
What I ate: Whipped cream and strawberries
What I believed: I want to eat something yummy even though Im not feeling that hungry.  I need some fat to satiate me.  I still have calories left for my day.
Why it might not be so:  Just because the calories are there doesn't mean I need to eat them.  You are trying to eat only when you are hungry.  If you wanted some comfort, which is the truth that you didn't write above, you could have a nice cup of tea instead of rewarding yourself with food.

Any emotional BS you need to get out?...share it here!